Well, friends, Thanksgiving is finally over. Now we can forget all of the things we are thankful for (like Mark Sanchez running into his own lineman) and focus on good, old-fashioned, American consumerism.
I love the Christmas season, because it’s an outright celebration of the kind of capitalism that makes leagues without salary caps better than other leagues. There’s no better way to stick it to communism than to buy lots of gifts for your friends and family.
So since I like to consider all of Creighton’s athletes my friends (regardless of what they think) I have been working on making a shopping list for the holidays. Maybe if I buy some of these gifts they’ll start returning more of my tweets or acknowledging me on the mall or inviting me to cool athlete parties. I know you guys are having secret cool athlete parties.
Here’s what I have so far:
For the Creighton volleyball team: A new sponsor. Mizuno is fine. They make nice baseball gear, and I’m sure good volleyball stuff, too. The problem that Mizuno has, though, is that they’re just so … second tier. Now that Creighton volleyball is a national contender, they need to run with the big dogs. And since Glenn Robinson doesn’t have his own volleyball clothing line, I would suggest going with Nike. There’s no bigger athletics company on the planet, and they make great gear for nearly every sport, (I couldn’t find jai alai) including volleyball. The best part about Nike, though, is that you wouldn’t be limited to lame-looking volleyball shoes. Imagine how cool it would look to see Leah McNary spike a ball while wearing a pair of Nike Blazers. It would be cooler than being cool, and that’s ice cold.
For Jose Ribas: A Rip Hamilton face mask. Anyone who has watched Akron’s video highlights from Creighton’s thrilling tournament victory over the Zips knows that the only worthwhile play from the Jays came in overtime when Ribas saved a goal with his face. While the referee may have mistaken Ribas’ face for his hands, that’s not a common problem for most people. Which brings me back to my original point, why does Jose Ribas need a face mask? Because his face is just too pretty to be facing a barrage of shots every week. If Jose wants to help protect the net, he needs to guard his grill to protect all future earning potential from cuteness. While I respect your willingness to help the team win ballgames, Jose, you have to think about all of the goofy Bleu de Chanel commercials you could make after college. Ain’t a thing changed, boy, protect ya neck face.
For the Creighton women’s basketball team: A first-aid kit. Seriously, this season will be defined by early season injuries for the Jays. It has especially hurt Creighton because of their great tradition of scheduling tough non-conference games. If only this were a video game, all the team would have to do would be run through a med pack to regain full health. Unfortunately, this is real life, and all that can help the Jays’ injury woes is rest and rehab. This was actually a pretty depressing section to write, maybe I should get them balloons too. No one hates balloons, unless there are 99 red ones and they fly over Germany.
For Gregory Echenique: Some new goggle styles. Believe me, there is nothing fundamentally wrong with the Amar’e Stoudemire look. I used to rock it on my seventh grade basketball team. The problem comes with wearing the same style of goggles every game. Basketball has had a long history of bespectacled ballers. You could rock the heavy-duty glasses like Kurt Rambis, or the full-framed masterpieces that Horace Grant used to have. The best bet, however, would probably be the bug-eyed Kareem goggles. Maybe then you could shoot a sky hook without getting fouls called on you. You could also sliggedy-slam dunk like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
So after I head to the store to grab these items, I’ll need a way to get them to you guys. Maybe I could get an invite to the secret cool athlete Christmas party?