Best Album: System of a Down, “Toxicity”: No one rocks harder than these Los Angeles dudes, whose hypnotizing blend of thrash metal, Armenian folk music and wonderfully catchy melodies gave us some of the best political protest songs this side of Dylan.
Worst Director: Peter Jackson: Jackson is proof that just because you have lots of money, doesn’t mean you are a good filmmaker. Despite their budgets, “King Kong” and “The Lord of the Rings” were some of the most boring garbage I have ever suffered through.
Best Director: Darren Aronofsky: Beginning with 2000’s “Requiem for a Dream,” this young genius from Brooklyn gave us a decade of dark masterpieces that make him the Scorsese of my generation.
Worst Band: Nickelback: Although our northern neighbors have never waged war against the U.S., Canada has been committing heinous acts of musical terrorism against American radio listeners for many years. In the ’60s it was the Guess Who, in the ’80s it was Bryan Adams and during my adolescence it was Nickelback.
Worst Picture: “Napoleon Dynamite”: Teenage girls may have loved this rubbish, but this low-budget mistake was imbecilic, cruel, plotless, nauseating and not funny.
Worst Musical Trend: “American Idol” Vocalists: I never watched an episode of this show, but you should judge a tree by its fruits. This show gave us such musical sewage as Clay Aiken and Kelly Clarkson, one of whose songs is called “My Life Would Suck without You.” Actually, Kelly, the opposite is true.
Best Movie: “Dancer in the Dark”: Shot in Sweden, directed by the Dane Lars von Trier and starring Iceland’s BjÖrk, this is the best thing to come out of Scandinavia since LEGOs, IKEA and parental leave for fathers.
Worst Comeback: Bon Jovi: Nietzsche wrote, “What will not kill me will strengthen me.” After enduring the horrors of ’80s hair metal bands, you can brave even the most torturous trash, right? Not if it dominates the airwaves again 20 years later.
Worst Musical Genre: Emo: Clinical depression is not a fashion accessory. Just because your crush rejected your invitation to the seventh-grade dance is no excuse to dye your hair black, hate “the man” and listen to this terrible music.
Best Internet Fad: The Angry Video Game Nerd: No terrible NES or Atari 2600 cartridge can survive the scathing criticism of the Nerd, armed with a geeky shirt, matching glasses and some of the most creative bathroom humor I have ever heard.
Most Politically Successful Children’s TV Show: “Bob the Builder”: When faced with a challenge, the titular protagonist of this cartoon aimed for pre-schoolers frequently shouts the optimistic phrase “Yes, we can!” The show debuted in 1999, so it’s obvious who’s doing the plagiarizing. I swear I’m not making this up.