Being a columnist is much harder than I thought it would be.
Some news weeks are so slow that it becomes difficult to find something to write about. Usually, I will attend a Creighton sporting event for inspiration. That is where we find the genesis of this story.
I was enjoying another Creighton victory over a feisty Bradley squad last Saturday when something caught my eye. The WWE was coming to the CenturyLink Center on Tuesday. I had to see this in person.
Frankly, I’m not much of a wrestling fan. The height of my “wrasslin’” phase was in first grade and I have the action figures to prove it. Most of my wrestling knowledge comes from fond memories of playing video games on the Nintendo 64 and PlayStation 2 with my brother.
I was going in fresh, something not recommended for what is essentially a soap opera. Unfortunately for me, none of the storylines from 1999 were still going on. Luckily for you though, I was able to record a running diary of my confusion. Here are the highlights of my odyssey in the ring:
Tuesday, Jan. 31, 5:00 p.m.: I’ve decided to chronicle my experience tonight for the loyal “Creightonian” readers. It’s also a great reason to skip an editors’ meeting and studying for philosophy.
5:13 p.m.: I guess I should introduce you to the group of friends I will be attending this event with. In order to protect their identities, their names for this story will be Friend One, Two, Three and Four. All four of them prepared for this event by drinking big frosty glasses of chocolate milk.
5:26 p.m.: We have begun making signs, we’ll see how this goes…
5:41 p.m.: That was actually productive, here are our creations (front/back): “Free Boosie/Murrica,” “Give ‘Em The Shaft/Byah!,” “Pound Town USA/Math Sucks,” “Cup of Coffee, Man/No More Questions” and “Stick and Move/Oh Man, That’s Obvious!” I’d like to thank Friend Three for all of the ideas he came up with. For inspiration, I would also like to thank Lil’ Boosie, Howard Dean, Macho Man Randy Savage, Biggie Smalls and the announcer from NBA 2K12.
6:15 p.m.: We park in The Slowdown’s parking lot because paying for parking is lame.
6:26 p.m.: Friend Two and I buy the tickets while the other three polish off another chocolate milk in the car. Wrestling requires preparation, folks.
6:30 p.m.: For only $15 we were able to get tickets in the 12th row. Professional sports leagues need to take a few pointers from the WWE.
6:54 p.m.: We settle into our seats as the show is about to begin. The PA announcer informs the crowd that three shows will be taping in Omaha tonight. The 5-year-old kid sitting next to me is really excited. I think I found a new best friend.
7:18 p.m.: Wow, these guys are in rare form. The two villains of this first show are insulting Omaha at any chance they get. While most in the crowd are booing them, it only causes Friend One and me to cheer even more.
7:52 p.m.: Several forgettable matches in this first show. The only highlights were when Friend Three would stand up and yell “Give ’em the shaft!” I’m sure it will be audible whenever the show airs.
8:13 p.m.: The second show lasted only one match, but it is worth mentioning. Before we left Heider 604 (the place to be), Friend Four suggested that it would be hilarious if the racist stereotype wrestlers had to fight each other. Well, once you watch an Indian stereotype wrestle a Japanese stereotype you learn a lot about the U.S. foreign policy. Even though the Indian wrestler dominated the match, the crowd continued to back the Japanese guy. I like to refer to this phenomenon as the “Brown Scare.”
8:30 p.m.: As we finally get into the show that everyone came to see, the promos really start getting to me. After anything happens in the ring they show a video promoting the WWE. I’m already in the building, cut that out.
8:42 p.m.: Our first match is under way between a guy with a lisp and an albino Irishman; I can’t make this up. Despite their size, neither of these men are intimidating. Especially this Irish guy, he’s whiter than Christian Laettner.
8:54 p.m.: I think everyone’s chocolate milk buzz is wearing off; they are going to be mad when they realize that I brought them to wrestling.
9:05 p.m.: Two things about this tag team match: First, there is a crazy man in the ring wielding a large piece of wood. I’m for that. Second, they made the two Puerto Rican wrestlers ride to the ring on the same bicycle. I am against this. Might be the most racist thing I’ll see tonight.
9:21 p.m.: I just watched a considerably overweight man dance to funk. That last segment was totally worth $15.
9:38 p.m.: The artist formerly known as Friend Three is getting antsy, I have to convince him to stay for the main event.
9:45 p.m.: The main event is on! In one corner we have Smarmy British guy and in the other corner we have muscular David Beckham, who is not British.
10:09 p.m.: As the Beckham look-a-like falls through a table, Friend One mentions how “the tables have turned.” I can’t stop giggling.
10:15 p.m.: Beckham wins and we book it out the exits. Time to take our signs to the people.
10:17 p.m.: I just got stopped by a stranger who wanted to take a picture with me and my “Free Boosie” sign. This reminds me of something important that I wanted to make sure you guys know before you’re done reading this. Write your local Congressman and tell them to free Lil’ Boosie.
10:25 p.m.: A begger just asked us for change. I replied that I didn’t have any and Friend Four thought it was a good idea to add, “Oh man, that’s obvious!” We need to get to the car.
There you have it, one trip to WWE’s Smackdown. There is no part of me that regrets dropping $15 on that experience. My one issue with it, besides the racism, was that it was too long.
If you have no horse in the race, it’s hard to watch a marathon.