Well folks, Jacob wouldn’t let me retire. So here I am, coming back like Jordan, wearing the 4-5, and it ain’t to play games with you.
On the subject of games, though, there is a rather important sporting event taking place this weekend. I mean the one besides the Puppy Bowl. We all know Delachaise, Laney and Ginger are going to go H.A.M. in that game.
And since the Super Bowl is on everybody’s mind, it is customary for us sports media types to give our thoughts on the contest.
I know plenty of you reading this will be rooting for the Denver Broncos. It makes sense geographically, plus there’s that whole “Omaha” thing, which I don’t quite understand.
I mean I get that you would think it’s cool that Peyton Manning uses “Omaha” as an audible, but I’ll let you in on a little secret. Nearly every quarterback uses “Omaha” as an audible, and this has been going on since the dawn of time.
In fact, Peyton does not even have the best “Omaha” audible in the Manning house (I like to assume the whole family still lives in one house; it’s more fun that way). Eli’s “Omaha” is infinitely superior because it’s deep, man.
For those unfamiliar, when the Giants call “Omaha,” it means, “Oh no you guys, the play clock is running down! Quick, let’s do a two-yard run up the middle.” I always imagine that Eli knows how watching the corpse of Brandon Jacobs’ career fall forward at the line of scrimmage is the perfect metaphor for this city.
Peyton’s just out here playing games; Eli is looking at the Dickensian aspect.
I guess this is just a long way of telling you that I am not rooting for Denver. I will be supporting the Fightin’ Pete Carrolls, because Pete Carroll knows how to win and how to avoid sanctions. He’s a role model, that Pete Carroll.
The following is a score by score breakdown of the Super Bowl. I’m sorry if I’m spoiling this for you.
The first quarter will not feature any scoring, as the defenses will have the upper hand early. Russell Wilson will throw an interception to Champ Bailey and Matt Prater will miss a field goal. The game will be about as exciting as Joe Buck’s voice, but hey, maybe the commercials will be good. 0-0, Joe Buck.
The second quarter will open up with a Steven Hauschka field goal. After a second Wilson pick (Wesley Woodyard), the Broncos will respond with a 40-yard drive culminating in a 10-yard Demaryius Thomas touchdown catch. Richard Sherman will congratulate Thomas on his effort, and will surely be called a thug on Monday. Hauschka wraps up the half with another field goal. 7-6, Denver.
The Seahawks come out hot in the third quarter, with back-to-back touchdowns from role players. Ricardo Lockette will score from 24 yards out and Robert Turbin will punch one in from the four. The narrative will write itself. Knowshon Moreno will end the quarter with a one-yard score. 20-14, Seattle.
The fourth will open with the teams trading field goals. Peyton will then go Super Saiyan, leading the Broncos down the field and finishing with a Virgil Green three-yard score with five minutes left. In those five minutes, Seattle will maneuver themselves in field goal range. Hauschka will hit the 32-yarder as time expires.
26-24, Seattle Seahawks. Richard Sherman is your MVP with seven tackles and like a billion passes defended.