Glasses are awesome. Think I’m wrong? Then, you don’t wear glasses. Sorry sport, but if you take your glasses off in front of me then you should expect that I hold up my finger, press it against your lip, and whisper in your ear seductively to put them back on. 

Why would you do that, Maxwell? That’s borderline harassment. Well, my friend, I’ll tell you why. 

Glasses are awesome. 

In Kindergarten, my vision started to fade. As we drove to the closest Visionworks, my mom asked me to read signs along the way, testing to see if my 20-20 vision was truly fading to a blur. At the time, I thought something was wrong with me; I was somehow defective. 

So, I asked my mom whether it’d get better. In response, she said that some people get better. 

To this day, I remember that phrase but not because I’m clinging on to some false hope that I’d get better. No, I remember it to remind myself how stupid I was as a Kindergartener because glasses are awesome. 

I was ignorant, and I hadn’t seen the light yet.

If you have any friends with glasses, I implore you to perform this scientific experiment. First, you need to ask him or her to take a selfie, or take a picture of him or her yourself, with and without the glasses. Also, it is important that the poses in both pictures are as identical as possible. Even if you don’t have friends, then you can simply look up glasses before and after pictures to play along. The results will undoubtedly astonish you because the hotness is unparalleled from one to the other. 

According to Schutze’s Law, any human being looks more attractive with glasses on — they do have to be the cute plastic frames and not those gross all metal frames that haunt my childhood photos though. 

When metal frames finally went out of style, my third eye was truly opened. Around that same time, a lot of my middle school classmates had to get readers, and studies show that I increased my communication with them by an average of 76.87% because of the addition of glasses to their faces. 

Who can blame me though? Attractive people attract other attractive people, or at least that’s what’s suggested by the Schutze postulate. 

For anyone who isn’t proud of their bespectacled look, I ask that you don’t fret because the science is undeniable. You are cute as heck and no one can take that away from you, so put those spectacles on two lenses at a time and be proud. You’re stunning even with a little bit of plastic and metal hanging from your face.

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