As Pence strapped in his hair helmet and Pelosi arranged her lips in the perfect purse, the camera looked out onto a sea of white — that is, both the white males dominating the Republican side and the female representatives dressed in honor of the suffragette movement — the President of the United States sucked in a sharp, quick breath and began his second State of the Union.  

And who is one of the first heroes to be extolled by the president? Interstellar egomaniac Buzz Aldrin.  

Returning to Earth but far from reality, Trump promised to “bridge all divisions, heal old wounds, build new coalitions, forge new solutions,” but he quickly got back in line with the too-familiar candidate version of Trump, bashing Obamacare, slashing regulations and parading the strength of the military.  

I can only assume at this point Pelosi already has several papercuts from shuffling the speech as Trump’s speechwriters simultaneously must have simply picked up the glass, and shut off their livestream.  

Perhaps as Kavanaugh remembered cracking a cold one with P.J. and Squee, juvenile shouts of “U-S-A” filled the air. We saw that Mitch McConnell gets his spray tans from the same guy as Trump, and that Jared left a storefront window for this joyous occasion.  

Now I am tempted to treat this as historic moment, but it’s pretty clear I won’t do that. For one, the State of the Union is a tired script, with notes of unity surrounding that administration’s accomplishments. 

But wait! A new crisis at the border! And it comes in the form of not racists, drug dealers or — god forbid — Mexicans, but coyotes! 

Let us put that new development away until we get some inane justification from Fox News tomorrow and get back to the purpose of the speech. After listing economic accomplishments, the sitting president will needle the other political party, curry favor for his agenda and wrap up with some message of unity that both parties applaud.  

It is not particularly worthwhile to pick apart every personal testimonial that the president offers, and I don’t think its a bad time to recognize Americans who are emblematic of a certain cause. 

And for as unsettling it is to hear an alleged sexual predator use “One in three women is sexually assaulted on the long journey north,” as a way to justify more than a “simple concrete wall,” there’s something that turns my stomach about Ted Cruz’s facial hair that I just can’t shake.  

However, Trump didn’t stray far from women, congratulating the new Congress on its record-setting number of women representatives, at which point the life came back into Nancy Pelosi’s eyes as she shot to her feet with the energy of 12 Ben Carsons.  

Particularly poignant moments include the gender divide that applauded a call to end of late-term abortion, a cursory nod to “the Venezuelan people in their noble quest,” the faithful work of cameraman B — panning to the generals as they decide whether or not they should applaud, an attempt to disguise cooperation with the Taliban and mortal fear in the heart of every American as it sounded as though the president might break out into song as a coda to this speech.  

All in all, I would say Trump shouldn’t quit his day job, but after this performance, well, we’ll see.  

But, we made it through, no relic died trying to get up from their seat, or worse, their spot on a stair, and America lives on to seamlessly continue into season three of the Handmaid’s Tale. 

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