With Thanksgiving behind us, it is now socially acceptable to deck the halls with Christmas spirit.  Although, let’s be real: I’ve been in the “Christmas spirit” since mid-November.  I blame the Pandora Christmas station for this.

But how do we know when Christmas season really begins? Is it the appearance of Mall Santas?  Is it green and red wrapping paper adorning the store shelves?  Is it mistletoe hanging precariously above a doorway?  Or is it the arrival of holiday cups at Starbucks (although they came surprisingly early this year.  Really, Starbucks?  Right after Halloween?)?  The passing of Thanksgiving makes it socially acceptable, but when can we say that Christmas season really starts?

All of these are definitely good indicators that Christmas is looming in the not-so-distant future.  But the real kicker, the one that lets us all know without at doubt, is the tree.  Why else would someone put an evergreen in her living room?  A bonsai tree, perhaps.  But an evergreen?  Nothing else can explain that the way Christmas can.

So, Christmas is fast approaching.  You need to get a tree.  These are facts.  But the big dilemma you face, you little Christmas tree shopper, you, is what kind of tree to purchase.  Not Balsam Fir vs. Scotch Pine.  Who cares about that?  The actual debate at hand is real tree vs. fake tree.

My personal preference for trees aside, I will seek to convert you to the Church of Fake Trees today.  Its followers are devout, no doubt, and you will find that they have many practical reasons why your signal that Christmas is coming should be of the

manufactured-variety.

In the spirit of the holiday, I will provide you with the reasons why fake Christmas trees trump the real ones in the style of the “Twelve Days of Christmas.”

A partridge in a pear tree: the smell of real Christmas trees is nauseating and it stinks up the whole house.  Why would you want your house to smell like something that has long been associated with air fresheners for used cars?  Fake trees don’t have that awfully overpowering odor and instead, a lovely scented candle can fill your house with much more appealing scents than nasty old pine.  Peppermint, perhaps?

Two turtle doves: you can get your real Christmas tree in any color you want as long as it’s green (or brown when it dies).  This is not the case with fake Christmas trees.  Would a nice red tree fit the motif of your pad better?  Not a problem.  There’s a tree for that.  Fake trees can come in any color and can even be multi-colored.  This is something Mother Nature just can’t do.

Three French hens: real trees are dangerous.  Call me crazy for caring about the well-being of those who chop down their own Christmas trees.  Axes and saws are not toys, kids, and can cause serious bodily harm.  One wrong move and a new limb might be on your Christmas wish list.  Fake trees, on the other hand, are quite safe.  No sharp tools necessary to obtain a fake tree.  Safety first!

Four calling birds: real trees have an expiration date.  Fake trees are immortal.  You may have to fork up a bit more money when you buy your first fake Christmas tree, but rest assured, it’s an investment in your future Christmases.  Fake trees can last for decades.  Consider it a family heirloom, if you’d like.  You can’t pass on a real tree from generation to generation unless the kids would like a bag of nasty mulch.  That’s worse than coal.

Five golden rings: fake trees offer the modern American a great deal of convenience.  They don’t need to be watered and some of them come pre-decorated with lights.  Disposal is also much easier.  Just pop that sucker back in its box and send it up to the attic.  No little pine needles to pick up either.  What a relief!

So when you and your kinship head out to get your Christmas tree, don’t make the mistake of buying a smelly, monotone, dangerous, decaying, inconvenient real tree.  Go fake.  All of its perks will add a little cheer to your Christmas season.