The greatest day of the year is nearly upon us. Yes that’s right, Thanksgiving is next week.

Thanksgiving is the most celebrated meal of the year. It’s also the most nerve-racking and belt-busting meal. I don’t enjoy Thanksgiving for the endless probing into my personal life — and no mom, I’m not dating anyone — I’m in it for the food, fun and sleep.

But before any of that happens and we begin celebrating the holiday revolved around food, there are main and side dishes to be ranked.

Here is my top six Thanksgiving dishes 

1.Turkey: The centerpiece of the meal. What is Thanksgiving without a turkey? Does it make you sleepy, because it has that chemical in it? That’s actually untrue, it’s not scientifically proven at all. The chemical in turkey is not what makes you sleepy. But it’s cute that we had to make up an imaginary reason as to why we’d be sleepy after Thanksgiving. Because traveling long distance, watching six hours of football, then eating three pounds of food, then having an excruciating hour-long conversation with your aunt apparently wouldn’t qualify as a reason to be “sleepy” unless there was some sort of chemical explanation.

2. Stuffing: Stalebread can be used for more than just feeding ducks. Stuffing (or dressing, if you will) ties the whole meal together. Bottom line: as long as there is stuffing somewhere on the table, no one gets hurt.

3.Mashed potatoes: In my humble opinion, mashed potatoes are a quintessential holiday side dish. You can season them however you like and they will complement any main dish you choose to enjoy it with. Mashed potatoes are a must. No question. 

4.Cranberry sauce: What is cranberry sauce and why is it considered a Thanksgiving staple? Somewhere along the line, it was decided that a sour-tasting, gelatinous berry sauce would be a good idea. I know people eat this stuff, but I still don’t understand why. 

5.The sad salad: There’s always that one sad salad that somebody brings when they’re trying to be healthy and thus thrusting their sadness on everyone else at the table. I’m sorry but isn’t Thanksgiving the time when you get to eat carbs and animal protein by the ladle-full, and to serve yourself gravy out of something literally called a boat? 6. Sweet Potato Casserole: The only reason why I eat this is because there are marshmallows on top. I love regular potatoes, but sweet potatoes are even better. Maybe it’s all the brown sugar you add. Maybe it’s the melted butter and pecans on top. 

7. Pumpkin Pie: Pumpkin pie is delicious, but it also falls into that odd subcategory of “food we’re only allowed to have for three weeks out of the year.” Who decides these things?