It has long been a newspaper tradition for sports reporters to assign stupid nicknames to the athletes that they cover. Heck, many baseball teams actually got their names from reporters.

For many people in my position, it’s the most impact they’ve had on a sporting event since senior night in high school. In case you were wondering, I went 1-1 with a sacrifice fly and a walk. I also pulled my hamstring, effectively ending my career as a mediocre high school athlete. What were we talking about?

Oh yes, nicknames! I have taken it upon myself to dole out a few this year and I guess this would be as good a space as any to explain myself. I understand that many of the athletes on this list might already have nicknames bestowed upon them by teammates and friends, but I’m going to ignore them for this list. I am the guy with the old-timey-newspaper brand of self-entitlement, after all.

If you need to see any of my past work, I have been a nickname consultant for the men’s soccer team for most of this season. I am most proud of “The Rain Man” Sean Kim, both as a tribute to his first goal being in the rain and his name’s scary resemblance to Sean Kemp’s.

Considering the men’s basketball team is about to start the regular season, I feel some nicknaming is in order.

Taylor Stormberg: T-Storm. It’s too easy. I would have started with something more creative, but you have to hit your layups. Layups also include Josh “Basketball” Jones, Grant “(Anything that has to do with winking)” Gibbs, and calling Isaiah Zierden “Zeke.” Calling Avery Dingman “The Ding Man” would count as a missed layup.

Doug McDermott: Doug has recently put to rest the nickname Dougie Fresh in an effort to develop into a more mature person, and I can appreciate that. The nickname was never truly going to work until coach McDermott recruited someone to be Slick Rick. You can’t have only half of “The Show” out there on the floor every night. Smart move by Doug, and I will respect his wishes by abstaining from giving him another moniker. That is unless you guys were willing to embrace Doug Maturemott, of course.

Geoffrey Groselle: The Redwood. It’s a pretty easy nickname for a tall guy with red hair. He is expected to take root in our defense and anchor the team like the majestic redwood anchors – nothing because it’s a tree. I’ll come up with an appropriate simile; you’ll just have to give me some time. My colleague Jacob has brought up that naming someone after a tree might imply that they’re a stiff. I reminded Jacob that Tree Rollins had a very productive career appearing on seemingly every NBA roster throughout the ‘80s and the ‘90s. So there you go, Geoff, if you follow your dreams you can be Tree Rollins.

Ethan Wragge: Bonesaw. This is one that the Creightonian staff has been using for quite a while now. It all stems from Wragge accidently breaking Kendall Marshall’s wrist like the Indiana Fever broke Wragge’s heart. It helps that his beard is filling out much like the late Macho Man Randy Savage’s in “Spider-Man.”  Unfortunately, this nickname has given Wragge lifelong enemies in John Salley and Dennis Chism.

Mogboluwaga Oginni: Mo Buckets. To be fair, I would have given someone the name “Mo Buckets” even if Oginni didn’t already have the perfect name for it. He would also be continuing the long line of basketball players referred to as “Mo.” From Big Mo to Little Mo to Mo Williams, it is only a matter of time before the fans start cheering for Mo Buckets.

I expect all of you to embrace these whole-heartedly. Someone out there should be creative enough to bring the saw signs from “Spider-Man” to one of the games. That and a “Free Boosie” sign, we can never forget to free Boosie.