One opinion writer’s suggestions for surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

Creighton does a lot to warn incoming students about the potential dangers of alcohol and drug use as well as other problems that they may face in the first years away from home. That’s good. That’s great. But what about the most serious and deadly threat: the Zombie Apocalypse?

It doesn’t take much skill to beat one zombie down with any blunt object lying around, but zombies travel in hordes. After the first zombie is downed, what about the second? The third? The hundredth? How will the average Creighton student survive without any pre-apocalypse training?

Without the proper preparation, Creighton students will most certainly join the ranks of the undead once Z-Day hits. And I fear that some students would even listen to unreliable information like “Zombieland.” “Rule 1: Cardio”? Running around is an excellent way to be bitten and thus infected. That is why I’m taking it upon myself to give a brief summary of what to do once zombies start flooding the mall.

First and foremost, any survivors would need to find a base of operation. But where would the best place be? The Reinert Alumni Library? It would provide entertainment and a relatively defensible position, but think about it. Where would newly zombified pre-med students go? Their post-mortem memory would send them straight to the library, and this time they would be eating brains, not studying them. Maybe the business study lounge would be a better idea. It’s tucked away, and let’s face it: no one ever goes there. But it does have a giant window for a wall, which would ensure death once zombies found it. The best place to set up camp would be Swanson, once the doors were barricaded and the elevators shut off. Brandeis is there for food, 24th Street is relatively near should rescue teams drive by and there are “safe” places to sleep.

Movies, video games and books tend to glamorize Z-Day and the “fight for survival” in a zombie-infested world. What Creighton students should know is there is absolutely no need to fight the zombie hordes. Everyone has played “Left 4 Dead,” “Plants vs Zombies” or any other zombie video game. And everyone has seen at least one zombie movie. There is always some thrill in destroying zombies, but it is entirely unnecessary. Think about it. One, where are the guns going to come from? What about the ammunition? Has anyone been trained to use them? What about accidents? They’re also very loud, which would attract even more zombies. Instead of fighting zombies, Creighton students should just wait.

Given the anatomy of zombies, without a steady diet and without the ability to regenerate muscles, the zombies would eventually “die” out after a month or so. Also, if the Zombie Apocalypse happens in the late fall, it would only take a few weeks before it became so unbearably cold that the zombies would freeze and cease to be a threat.

However, there is a bright side. All the free time would let students actually read all the books for world lit, make a list of all their extracurricular activities for grad/med/law school, listen to that band that has been collecting dust in iTunes for the past three months, study for the MCAT and sleep (most importantly sleep).