What an advice column run by a Tae Kwon Do master may say:

Dear Sensei,

There’s this girl I really like at my college. I see her almost every day. Sometimes even multiple times. How do I start a conversation with her? How should I ask her out?

Best,

Connor

Connor,

Confidence is the key. Look at me. I’m bald (from fighting), have a crooked nose (from fighting) and barely make enough to support myself (also because I fight). No sensible lady would want to be with me, right? Wrong! It’s all because I’m confident. Look, just show her that you’re a confident young man and she won’t be able to keep her hands off you. For instance, if you see her in the dining hall, catch her eye, and then throw up your cup and roundhouse kick it into the wall (or shatter it, whichever). That should do.

-Sensei

Dear Sensei,

I have a problem getting to sleep at night. Mostly, I just toss and turn for hours. When I finally do get to sleep, it’s usually light. I wake up exhausted. Lately, my insomnia has caused problems for my job and marriage (because I can be bit of a “Grumpy Gary”). What should I do? Will I ever to be able to sleep again?

*Bows*

Gary

Gary,

I would suggest that you take on this problem exactly like how I took on Juan Moreno in the 1992 Olympics: with a rigorous training method. I suggest doing 300 head-level sidekicks (for each leg), 50 push-ups, and 10 two-minute drills on the speed bag before bedtime. After a few weeks, I bet you’ll be able to “knockout” your insomnia. (All jokes aside, this should probably work).

-Sensei

Dear Sensei,

My cat has taken to the nasty habit of pooping in my bed. It’s icky. How do I get him to stop? It’s making my laundry bill skyrocket!

Love,

Jenny

Jenny,

I hate when this happens. It’s like in point sparring when your opponent keeps getting “cheap points” (that’s when he brushes your chest guard with his fist… lame). When this happens to me, I make sure to kick him as hard as I can in the face. I won’t get the point. He will. Yes, he’ll get the point. So, next time this happens, make sure to meet the situation with force. He’ll get the point.

-S.

P.S. I’ve been considering signing off with just an S, what do you think? Should I just keep signing “Sensei” or change to just “S”?

Dear Sensei,

First, I think you should stick with “Sensei.” It’s much more respectable. I mean, “S” can stand for a lot of things, like “Silly,” “Stupid” or “Sissy,” and I don’t think any of those examples describe you at all. Here’s my problem: I have a lot of garbage building up around my house. It’s mostly old wooden boards, concrete slabs and bricks. The city won’t pick them up because they’re “too heavy.” How should I dispose of them?

Your Fan,

Aaron

Aaron,

Thanks for the advice! You bring up a lot of good points. My advice to you is that the city has weight limits for refuse for a reason. Our garbage men go through a lot of strain to keep our city and neighborhoods clean and sanitary. For heavier garbage, I would suggest loading it into your car (or a friend’s pickup) and driving it to your local landfill. The workers there should be able to take care of the rest.

-Sensei