With the end of “Breaking Bad”, you might be wondering, “Matt, you superhuman, column-writing guy, whatever shall I do now?” Well, luckily for you I am here to point out that the NHL season started on Tuesday.
Hockey is, unfortunately, the least popular of the “Big Four” American professional sports. This may stem from it actually being Canadian, or from the fact that only the civilized half of this country understands what winter is all about.
Look, no one is going to blame you if you’ve never been really invested in hockey. The nearest NHL city is approximately 93 million miles away from Omaha.
If you would like to get involved in this season, you’re going to need a team to root for. This is where I come in. I now present the Out of Bounds guide to choosing a favorite NHL team, presented in order of team-goodness:
Chicago Blackhawks: If you’re comfortable with being THAT guy, you could always choose the Stanley Cup champions. It’s only acceptable because Omaha is kind of close to Chicago.
Pittsburgh Penguins: This is a perfect team for newcomers because of TV exposure and a high-powered offense. Plus it’s fun to watch Marc-Andre Fleury flounder around in goal. Please start him, Bylsma!
Montreal Canadiens: This is the perfect video game team. No one will complain if you pick Montreal, but they will cower in fear of Danny Briere.
Boston Bruins: This is the go-to team if you enjoy Canadians with big noses. also a great pick if you want to understand some reference I’ll probably use in the future.
Anaheim Ducks: They may not have the “Mighty” anymore, but still a good choice for true fans of the films. That means fans who know “Mighty Ducks 2” was the best one.
New York Rangers: If you like goaltending, there’s no one better than King Henrik.
St. Louis Blues: St. Louis is a great defensive team, so it’s certainly a good pick if you don’t like scoring.
Washington Capitals: Alex Ovechkin is still one of the most exciting skaters to watch, just don’t ask him about gay rights. The Russians are touchy about that subject.
Los Angeles Kings: You’re going to be called a bandwagon fan anyway, might as well bandwagon with the best of them!
Toronto Maple Leafs: If your favorite parts of fandom revolve around your team letting you down, look no further.
Ottawa Senators: If your favorite parts of fandom revolve around your coach’s mustache, look no further.
Detroit Red Wings: The perfect team for anyone with an affinity for Sweden. I also hear that their fans get free healthcare.
San Jose Sharks: They still have Joe Thornton, who was one of my favorite players growing up. If they can get Sergei Samsonov and Byron Dafoe out of retirement, they will certainly win the Stanley Cup.
Vancouver Canucks: The Canucks are trying out the old formula of mixing a volatile coach with a sensitive net-minder. I’m sure it will be great.
New York Islanders: This club provides the great opportunity to proclaim, “I was a fan before they moved to Brooklyn!”
Columbus Blue Jackets: Yes, Columbus has a team. If you want to earn some underdog props, you don’t really get more underdog than Columbus.
Phoenix Coyotes: This team will be moving soon. Maybe. Probably. I don’t know. The Coyotes are risky business. Fan with caution.
Tampa Bay Lightning: Have you seen Martin St. Louis’ legs? Google them right now. I won’t judge you.
Philadelphia Flyers: Don’t be a Flyers fan. I know this goes against the whole concept of the column, but just don’t do it.
Minnesota Wild: Rooting for this team is like a whole season of #WraggeWeek. If that sounds like your thing, more power to you.
Dallas Stars: The consummate team for those who party hard. As a side note, I’m sure my apartment looks worse than Tyler Seguin’s did.
Edmonton Oilers: They probably have the most talented young core in the league. Expect some success in 2018-19.
New Jersey Devils: This is not the same team that dominated for a decade. Star players are fading and/or leaving for Russia, so I suggest you stay away.
Buffalo Sabres: If you like fancy-pants French words for sword, this is the club for you. Be warned, though, their alternate jerseys are awful.
Winnipeg Jets: Here you have to watch out for confusion. People will think you’re a terrible person if you don’t qualify that you like the WINNIPEG Jets.
Nashville Predators: They have yellow ice! You could make jokes all game and it would never get old.
Carolina Hurricanes: Natural disasters are totally fun, you guys!
Calgary Flames: Stay away from this team unless you want to get burned. Fire jokes!
Colorado Avalanche: My dog’s name is Avalanche. Keep in mind that my dog is terrible at hockey.
Florida Panthers: Being a Panthers fan comes with the perk of being the very first Panthers fan. Enjoy your recognition.
There you have it. You have 30 teams to choose from. Now pick a squad and watch some hockey.