Every Monday the Creightonian staff gets together for a critique of the past week’s issue. During these meetings, Kris Boyle, the Creightonian advisor, awards Reese’s Cups to the articles he deems to be the best from the different sections of the paper.

Unfortunately, I have yet to receive one of these awards. It is probably a good choice not to give me a Reese’s. I write about minutiae. I write about Creighton signals, fake beards, being awkward – none of which is really too newsworthy.

But still, I love Reese’s, and I love free Reese’s even more. I don’t even care that they have milk chocolate. I will set aside my pseudo-vegan tendencies for a free peanut butter cup any day.

Here’s the rub: I don’t think I can write about anything other than trivial matters, but Kris Boyle seems to like serious opinion pieces. So this week, I’ve decided to write a serious piece about a pressing social issue.

There will be no absurdist views in this column, no jokes about my awkwardness, no zombies, no satire of any kind. I am going to express my opinion about a serious matter. Maybe if I do that, I’ll get a Reese’s. If I don’t, everyone reading this serious article should start a petition requesting that I be awarded a Reese’s – if not for a serious article, then because my birthday was last Sunday.

What should I write about? I think all my articles are about pressing matters, but I guess I’m wrong. Should I write about the Catholic Church? I don’t really know much about it, but if people want to hear more about the Catholic Church, as if they don’t get enough of the Catholic Church in their theology core or being on a Jesuit campus, so be it. Frankly, I don’t care much about Catholicism or Church reform. I don’t think I could stop myself from making a few jokes or satirizing people. I might even incite some people. I don’t want to do that. That wouldn’t get me a Reese’s at all.

An article with no jokes, that’s what I need to write. I got it! I should write about new tax increases! That would excite the student body.

Can you imagine the titulation that new taxes bring? All the economics students would get so hot and bothered. But that’s such a

hard story.

I don’t think much would come out of it because the business students are too busy studying increased percentages and the exchange value of Jagermeister to waste any time with the opinion section of the paper. Plus, I don’t think I could get away without making some puns, which again wouldn’t earn me

a Reese’s.

Two ideas up and two ideas down. I’m fairly certain that I won’t be able to write a serious article, especially in the little space I

have left.

It looks like I’ve spent most of this article talking about writing my serious article without any luck.

Wait, I know what I can write about: the impending— well maybe not. It looks like I’m out of space.