Even world peace couldn’t stop the outrage that erupted on the Internet after this year’s Miss America pageant. On Sunday, Miss Florida Victoria Cowen was asked by Judge Kathy Ireland her opinion on the recent uproar caused by a video of former Baltimore Ravens player Ray Rice punching his then-fiancée Janay Palmer. 

Cowen wasn’t asked about how she thought domestic violence could be prevented or even how the NFL should have punished Rice. Instead, Cowen was asked about Palmer and her decision to stay with Rice after the incident.

 The words, “As a woman, what do you think of her decision?” uttered by Ireland may seem harmless, but they do nothing to help further the conversation about domestic violence. In fact, it only worsens the environment for women seeking help to get out of a bad relationship.

Note how the focus of this question is on Palmer’s decision.  First of all, this kind of question blatantly ignores the many causes and factors at play in an abusive relationship. The Miss America judges ask a 10-second question, so how could they possibly explain a complicated situation in that short of a time frame? But by asking such a simple question, this creates the idea that the choice Palmer has to make is itself a simple one.

A pageant judge has no idea what’s going on behind the scenes at the Rice-Palmer household. Leaving an abusive partner is not a cut-and-dry situation. According to statistics provided by the Omaha Police Department’s website, some domestic violence victims who have left their partner had an average of five to seven attempts to leave their partner before they were successful.

Furthermore, women who do end up leaving abusive relationships face an additional risk of being threatened by and stalked by their scorned partner.  Data from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence shows that about one-half of the civil protection orders obtained by women against a partner who physically assaulted them were violated.  

Even the OPD’s website outright states, “You are in greater danger from your partner’s abuse when you leave,” and advises women to plan carefully for their safety.

With this information in mind, how can one objectively judge Palmer’s decision to stay with Rice? No one has any idea what external factors influenced her choice.

Without acknowledging anything beyond the surface of what a victim of an abusive relationship goes through, Kathy Ireland and the Miss America pageant did domestic violence victims everywhere a huge disservice

What is the real opinion on domestic violence we should be listening to? Miss New York and this year’s Miss America Kira Kazantsev, for starters. Kazantsev told NPR that she was a victim of abuse from a college boyfriend, and she had some advice for anyone looking to give their opinion on domestic violence, based on her experience of having to make such  a difficult decision.

“I want people to stop asking, ‘Why doesn’t she just leave?’” Kazantsev told NPR. “Every woman is an expert in her own case, and there are so many extenuating circumstances that lead to a woman staying with her abuser.”