Each year, when Earth Day rolls around, we are all reminded of what terrible human beings we are for living decadent, wasteful lifestyles in places other than Vermont. Or, at least I think that’s what Earth Day is about. I’ve never actually paid enough attention to Earth Day to learn what its really about. I blame Charlie Brown for never having a special about the holiday.

Anyway, if chastising the wastefulness of sports is what gets columns done, that’s what I’m going to do. Here are your top five sports-related reasons everyone you know and love is going to be global warminged to death. Don’t let Roland Emmerich know about any of these.

5. Reggie Theus’ hair: I mean, have you every really studied it? Theus was a great scorer in the 1980s, but his crowning achievement was on his crown. His jheri curl was so immaculate people actually thought that the Chicago Bulls trading him to make room for Jordan was a bad idea. Not even Eriq La Salle could replicate Theus’ hair, no matter how much Soul Glo he used. As perfect as this hair was, the tub of grease used to keep it that way had to end up somewhere. Theus’ post-game showers have been blamed for the deaths of countless marine animals.

4. Little Powerade cups: Seriously, these things are a tease. If you look around a sporting event, it’s rare that you’ll see a bottle. It’s even more rare to see a reusable bottle. The truth is, the big scary organizations that run sports (I’m looking at you, NCAA) don’t want anything visible in the arena if it’s not a sponsor’s product. Every beverage needs to be poured in a tiny little cup with the logo of the sponsor on it. This can lead to a weird viewing experience at home, but I can can guarantee that no one in Philadelphia for the NCAA Tournament was drinking Powerade from those cups. That’s because Powerade wasn’t even offered. What a shame; I needed to recharge my electrolytes after throwing away all of my other cups.

3. Cleveland Indians games: Forgetting how racist Chief Wahoo is for the moment (I’d still rather have him on my hat than that ugly “C”), something is seriously going wrong in Cleveland. The team’s not all that bad, sitting a little below .500 as of this writing. The problem is that no one is going to the games. Cleveland is last in professional sports in attendance, with only 37 percent of the seats filled on average. The city of Cleveland has to go through all of the hubbub of setting up for a baseball game only to see over half of their stadium empty. I understand the weather is cold, but that doesn’t stop Browns fans from watching a terrible product on the field. For Earth’s sake, Cleveland should probably refrain from hosting anymore baseball games until people actually show up.

2. Disco Demolition Night: The ultimate in fan promotions, Disco Demolition Night at Comiskey Park in 1979 was a notice to the world of sports that disco music was terrible. Despite how wrong that message was, there was a large outpouring of support for the promotion. Sometimes though, you can outpour a little too close to the sun. Fans flooded the field, eager to blow up their copy of “Kung Fu Fighting.” The problem is that disco doesn’t just blow up. We’re talking about music so funky that it traveled to the poles and has been heating up the ice caps ever since. That’s on you, Chicago.

1. NASCAR: We tolerate the fumes our cars make because they actually get us from place to place. NASCAR throws that notion out the window and destroys the Earth while having cars drive in circles. Fun, right? I make fun of NASCAR, as many do, but I understand that it is a nuanced sport with an excellent track record of fan and participant safety. I wouldn’t want NASCAR fans to get mad at me.