This is easily the most difficult column I have ever written for this publication.
How does one go about writing their third farewell column? By now, I would assume that any of the fans (fan) I had had moved on to some other columnist at some other paper. But that is not the only reason this is difficult for me.
Last weekend’s storm, and the lightning strike that hit my building, has crippled my Internet (and blew out my cable box) and turned me into some sort of column-writing hermit bouncing from wi-fi hotspot to wi-fi hotspot. I know I should be encouraged that this is what constitutes as a struggle in my life, but I am a little too annoyed to have perspective at this point.
Even beyond those troubles, though, is the reality this column is the last thing separating me from the real world.
That and of course getting a job, but that is just what “The Man” wants me to do. I mean, have you looked at the job market lately? Me neither, but I am sure it is horrible.
Finishing this column also means leaving Creighton and the Omaha area, which I have mixed feelings about.
My feelings are so mixed, in fact, that they are the subject of the latter two-thirds of this column. This is something I like to call, “Things I will/won’t miss.”
Thing I will miss: Undergraduate opportunities. When people ask me about Creighton, this is always my go-to. Creighton is the perfect size for a university. It is big enough to be a Division I school and offer all of the opportunities that come with being a part of the big time, yet small enough that they will offer said opportunities to anyone who walks into the room. I mean, two years ago my only experience was as a soccer beat writer, and I got to cover the men’s basketball team in the NCAA tournament in North Carolina. In fact, I have had the pleasure of covering three NCAA tournaments, even though all I do is annoy Mike Krzyzewski with my questions. I am just trying to have fun, Mike.
Thing I won’t miss: Being associated with the Missouri Valley Conference. Seriously, the MVC was the worst. Now, I am happy that Creighton was able to capitalize on all that I (Doug) have done for the image of this place, but that will never erase the things I have seen. I had to watch Bradley for three years, man.
Thing I will miss: Most of the people I have interacted with. As much as I like to hate on the people at Creighton (It was the most-read thing I have ever written.), nearly all of the people I have had more than one encounter with are cool in my book. From the students to the staff, I hope you all go on to do great things like the try-hards you are.
Thing I won’t miss: The rest of you. Why aren’t we friends? Are you afraid of my friendship? I bet you’ve never even read one of my columns. You’re not even reading this one. You are all heartless cowards.
Thing I will miss: School. Man, school was the best. I was good at it, and attending classes was the perfect excuse for not having a job. I’m not sure what I’m going to do without it, but maybe if I go back I’ll never have to repay all of these loans.
Thing I won’t miss: The way the eastern half of campus smells when the weather gets nice in Omaha. Why hasn’t anyone contacted the mayor about this? You can donate all this money to appease the COBA Kai, but it doesn’t help that the surrounding area smells like Satan’s toilet.
In all seriousness, though, I am going to miss you, the reader. Thanks for taking the time out of your busy day to pretend to care about what I have to say for the past four years. And if this is your first time reading this column because you’re a parent that bought an ad for your kid in this paper, I just have to ask.
Are you hiring?